Post by Deleted on May 12, 2009 19:56:15 GMT -5
Hey there - there are a few things that need to be fixed.
First of all, you've made your character a little too important. Grandfather was Sootstar, leader of Shadowclan? He was favored by the deputy and taught advanced moves while still a kit. Made a warrior early? And the amount of prey that he brought back, usually? I'm sorry, but this is all very very inprobable (and most certainly not allowed.) What you've created here is a character that's had far too much happen in far too short a lifetime, with far too much going on. You don't need to make it as dramatic as possible, just to mention the highlights of his life, and to describe unusual/important things that happened prior to now.
You've got his grandfather as the leader of Shadowclan, his grandmother as the deputy of Riverclan(btw, on which sides are these his grandparents?), and his parents as true Windclan warriors. I'm sorry, but not only have you once again made his relatives a tad more important than is feasible, but you've got three interclannal matings that resulted in offspring. Now, the books did make this happen a bit (Bluestar&Oakheart; Silverstream&Graystripe) but that was for plot purposes. In the reality of the clan life, matings between two or more clans is rare, serverely frowned upon, and generally discouraged here at COAC [for the fact that it's unrealistic, and it undermines the purpose of having "clans" ~ clans being an identity, separate from the others.] You're going to have to change quite a bit of this. And if you reeeally want to have an interclannal breeding, you're going to have to so some explaining - a lot of it, in the Family History.
You've got part of his personality in his Overall Appearance. Move that, and further describe his apperance.
At the end of your history, you make it sound like since he wanted to be deputy, by golly the position was his, and his alone, with no choices left for anyone else. You're gonna have to change that, and explain further on into his history. Are you meaning to tell us that he JUST became deputy, just now?
What's the deal with his birthplace? If he was born in an abandoned badgerhole, then why wasn't he born in the nursery?
That mission that you have is rediculous. The Moonstones were discovered by the first Medicine Cat of Windclan (the name escapes me at the moment) when she was cast out of the clan by Windstar. Which was a while past. So of course the moonstone really exists. How else would "Sootstar" have gotten his nine lives and taken the name of Leader?
Your RP sample looks to have been created on the spot. We don't want fresh samples here, we want recylced ones. Ones that you've actually used in a role play thread. In fact, we want the one that you think is the best.
When you signed the contract, you're supposed to do it with what you go by OOC; in your case, it would be "Wolfie," as that's your Out of Character Name.
You've mentioned that your parents were "killed by the wrath of the adder venom." Yet you have nothing about that in your history. How'd that happen? Why'd it happen? When'd it happen? Where'd it happen? Please explain the circumstances.
--Breezy
First of all, you've made your character a little too important. Grandfather was Sootstar, leader of Shadowclan? He was favored by the deputy and taught advanced moves while still a kit. Made a warrior early? And the amount of prey that he brought back, usually? I'm sorry, but this is all very very inprobable (and most certainly not allowed.) What you've created here is a character that's had far too much happen in far too short a lifetime, with far too much going on. You don't need to make it as dramatic as possible, just to mention the highlights of his life, and to describe unusual/important things that happened prior to now.
You've got his grandfather as the leader of Shadowclan, his grandmother as the deputy of Riverclan(btw, on which sides are these his grandparents?), and his parents as true Windclan warriors. I'm sorry, but not only have you once again made his relatives a tad more important than is feasible, but you've got three interclannal matings that resulted in offspring. Now, the books did make this happen a bit (Bluestar&Oakheart; Silverstream&Graystripe) but that was for plot purposes. In the reality of the clan life, matings between two or more clans is rare, serverely frowned upon, and generally discouraged here at COAC [for the fact that it's unrealistic, and it undermines the purpose of having "clans" ~ clans being an identity, separate from the others.] You're going to have to change quite a bit of this. And if you reeeally want to have an interclannal breeding, you're going to have to so some explaining - a lot of it, in the Family History.
You've got part of his personality in his Overall Appearance. Move that, and further describe his apperance.
At the end of your history, you make it sound like since he wanted to be deputy, by golly the position was his, and his alone, with no choices left for anyone else. You're gonna have to change that, and explain further on into his history. Are you meaning to tell us that he JUST became deputy, just now?
What's the deal with his birthplace? If he was born in an abandoned badgerhole, then why wasn't he born in the nursery?
That mission that you have is rediculous. The Moonstones were discovered by the first Medicine Cat of Windclan (the name escapes me at the moment) when she was cast out of the clan by Windstar. Which was a while past. So of course the moonstone really exists. How else would "Sootstar" have gotten his nine lives and taken the name of Leader?
Your RP sample looks to have been created on the spot. We don't want fresh samples here, we want recylced ones. Ones that you've actually used in a role play thread. In fact, we want the one that you think is the best.
When you signed the contract, you're supposed to do it with what you go by OOC; in your case, it would be "Wolfie," as that's your Out of Character Name.
You've mentioned that your parents were "killed by the wrath of the adder venom." Yet you have nothing about that in your history. How'd that happen? Why'd it happen? When'd it happen? Where'd it happen? Please explain the circumstances.
--Breezy